Faith for Flourishing

Marriage is a lifelong expedition of co-journeying, each partner playing an active role in the other’s becoming. We do life together. We do tears together. We do joy together. Time, both fast and slow, we do together. Yet here is the thing: As sure as God made little apples, life changes. And as life changes, we change. We become pressure-formed, time-worn survivors. Do we still know our spouses? Or do we simply know the past them? Have we ignored who they are today?

In our modern world, the concept of the “self” takes center stage. The significance of the individual and their unique identity permeates every aspect of society, defining how we perceive ourselves and others. Yet this focus on selfhood is a relatively modern phenomenon, and is a far cry from how our ancestors lived and thought.

Indeed, throughout much of human history, the emphasis on individuality was not as pronounced as it is today. Many experts argue that ancient civilizations did not have the same strong sense of personal identity we cultivate today. These scholars cite Saint Augustine’s Confessions as a pivotal point in history when a self-centered perspective started to evolve. And it is true that ancient literature written in that first-person, self-reflective style is practically non-existent.

There is, however, a notable exception: The Song of Solomon. This sacred book offers a captivating window into a world where two lovers express themselves as distinct individuals, yet yearn for one another, collectively striving to close the distance between each of them. Separate individuals, yes, but striving for physical and spiritual togetherness.

These lovers recognize their individual selves, but passionately seek to lessen the gap that separates them. This, in its essence, captures the true meaning of “knowing” another person. It’s not about complete comprehension or capturing their essence in a single snapshot. Rather, it’s an ongoing process of reducing the distance, both literal and metaphorical, between two distinct individuals.

This continual “shortening of distance” is the real essence of knowing our spouses. It does not imply that we unravel every mystery about them or lay bare every nuance of their personality. Instead, it signifies that we are actively engaged in understanding them, in sharing their journey, in being an integral part of their becoming. This is the daily bread of a great marriage. We do not comprehend the entirety of the people we love, but we actively participate in their “becoming,” just as they partake in ours. This mutual exploration and growth, more than the dominance of the individual self, encapsulates the experience of deep commitment in love and marriage. That is the genius that echoes between the lovers in The Song of Solomon. And that is the process that creates the magic of an amazing marriage.